Become Less Controlling
When I talk about being "controlling," I am referring to unhealthy attempts to manipulate the behavior of others, having the need to control your environment, insisting on having things be "just so" in order to feel secure, and becoming immobilized, defensive or anxious when other people don't behave to your specifications--the way you think they should be. To be controlling means you are preoccupied with the actions of others and how those actions affect you. To put it in the context of this book, people who are controlling "sweat the behavior" of others when it doesn't match their own expectations.
I have made several observations about people who are controlling; two in particular. First, there are too many of them. For whatever reason, there seems to be a national trend toward controlling behavior. Secondly, the trait of being controlling is highly stressful--both to the controller and to those who are being controlled. If you want a more peaceful life, it is essential that you become less controlling.
One of the most extreme examples of controlling behavior I've heard of involved, of all things, paper clips! A lawyer at a top-flight law firm had a penchant for certain things to be done in certain ways--not only ‘big picture" things, but very minuscule things as well. This fellow liked to use copper-colored paper clips instead of the silver ones his firm provided (what could be more important then that?). So he had is secretary buy his own private supply for him each week (and didn't even reimburse her). If something came to his desk with the wrong kind of clip, he would fly into a rage. He became known in the office as "the paper clip king."
It probably won't come as a big surprise that this guy was almost always behind on his paperwork, and his work for his clients suffered. At the time he spent getting angry over petty things slowed him down. The paper clips ere only one aspect of his controlling behavior--he had rules and regulations about everything from how his coffee was served (in a special china cup and saucer) to the order in which he was introduced in meetings. Ultimately, his controlling behavior turned off one too many of his clients, and he was let go from the firm.
This is a very unusual and extreme example, yet if you examine your own behavior, you may find areas that you are trying to control that are futile or just plain silly. I encourage you to take a look.
A person who is controlling carries with him a great deal of stress because, not only does he (or she) have to be concerned with his own choices and behavior, but in addition, he insists that others think and behave in certain ways as well. While occasionally we can influence another person, we certainly can't force him to be a certain way. To someone who is controlling, this is highly frustrating.
Obviously, in business, there are many times you want to have a meeting of the minds, or you need others to see things as you do. You have to sell yourself and your ideas to those you work with. In certain instances, you must exert your opinions, influence, even power to get something done. There are times you must insist on getting your way or think of clever and creative ways to get others to think differently. That is all part of business. And that is absolutely not what I'm referring to here. We're not talking about healthy, normal attempts to come to a meeting of the minds or balancing points of view. We're also not talking about not caring about the behavior of others--of course you care. Rather, we are discussing the ways that insistence, singular thinking, rigidity, and the need to control translates into pain and stress.
What hurts the controlling person is what goes on inside--his feelings and emotions. The key element seems to be a lack of willingness to allow other people to fully be themselves, to give them space to be who they are, and to respect--really respect--the fact that people think differently. Deep down, a controlling person doesn't want other people to be themselves, but rather the image of who they want them to be. But people are not an image of who we want them to be--they are who they are. So, if you‘re tied to an imagined image, you're going to feel frustrated and impotent a great deal of the time. A controlling person assumes that he knows what's best, and by golly, he's going to make other people see the folly of their ways. Within the need to control, there is an inherent lack of respect for the opinions and ways of others.
The only way to become less controlling is to see the advantages of doing so. You have to see that you can still get your way when it is necessary, yet you will be less personally invested. In other words, less will be riding on other people being, thinking, or behaving in a certain way. This will translate into a far less stressful way of being in the world. When you can make allowances in your mind for the fact that other people see life differently than you do, you will experience far less internal struggle.
In addition, as you become less controlling, you will be a lot easier to be around. You can probably guess that most people don't like to be controlled. It's a turnoff. It creates resentment and adversarial relationships. As you let go of your need to be so controlling, people will be more inclined to help you; they will want to see you succeed. When people feel accepted for who they are rather than judged for who you think they should be, they will admire and respect you like never before.
The
articles appearing in this column are taken from Don't
Sweat the Small Stuff at Work by
Richard Carlson. Click on the
book cover to order your copy today.